Ten tips for an amazing journey

I have been hearing so many stories lately of journey’s that have ended poorly. I got to thinking, wow I am currently about to cycle for my 4^th TS journey, and I have yet to have a sour experience, how lucky I am! Or is it luck? I compiled this list of what has worked for me when picking matches and throughout pregnancy, afterward, etc… to ensure that I have a great experience. However keep in mind had I been interested in a strictly business relationship this would never had worked for me, but because I wanted a friendship I treated it like an intimate relationship and it worked for me every time.

1.         FRIENDSHIP and TRUST

I cannot stress this enough, the key to a good journey is feeling that connection with someone, when something is right you know it in your core. It feels right, it is only when we start to logically question our natural instincts that we second guess ourselves. When I first spoke to my 1^st IM it felt like speaking to an old friend, not forced or uncomfortable. We ended up speaking for almost 3 hours! This is the type of instant connection I am talking about. If you have it do not cast it aside, if you don’t have it your journey is going to be harder. I would run from any relationship where I was not close with my IM, IF’s I don’t bother myself much with, in my experience you usually only see them a few times, but the IM relationship is vital to me, as women we naturally gravitate towards one another and strong bonds are formed, these bonds last a lifetime.

2.         COMPROMISE COMPROMISE COMPROMISE

There is this horrible piece of advice that is repeatedly given: Never compromise. That is the most outlandish advice I have ever heard. Look at the most important relationships in your life, with your spouse, family, co-workers, what are the absolute most important elements in your relationship? Trust and compromise. Those who think they enter into a journey with 4 people, which is the typical number (TS, TS spouse, IM, IF), and never compromise are kidding themselves. If you have trust and friendship you WANT to compromise to make your relationship work. This is the natural process of all relationships. You will never find 4 people who agree on all aspects 100%, the best you can hope for is that you will find a strong connection, have trust and friendship and the compromise without resentment naturally follows.  I remember when I first started dating my husband, I am a strict vegetarian, he is not, I said I would NEVER date someone who consumed meat products, however I felt an instant connection and compromised on that, 13 years in a wonderful marriage and 3 children later I am so grateful that I went with my emotional connection to him and made that compromise.

3.         HUMOR

Never underestimate the power of humor! TS is extremely uncomfortable at times, especially if you are doing home inseminations, which I personally have always done. I always try to lighten the mood with a joke, otherwise it can get unbearable.

4.         GIVE THE MEN A BREAK

I had this unrealistic notion going into Surrogacy that I would be best friends with my IP’s as a couple, I envisioned weekend scrabble nights, my husband and my IF talking on the phone until all hours, and that is not the case. In my experience Surrogacy is uncomfortable for both IF’s and my husband, the best way for me to make it less uncomfortable is to bond more with my IM, and not expect so much from my IF. To give you a general idea of my relationships with my IF: 1^st IF I met for the first time at our inseminations, second time was at the delivery. 2^nd IF I met at contract signing, inseminations and delivery, 3^rd IF I met at contract signing, inseminations, 2 ultrasounds, and delivery. In speaking with so many other Surrogates I have come to realize that this is the norm, and I no longer feel the need for it to be any different. However had I not known that I would have felt uncomfortable, men just aren’t as comfortable with the process as we are.

5.         STAY INVOLVED

I have had amazing relationships with all of my IM’s, I try to stay involved in their lives on a regular basis during cycle and pregnancy, this makes contact post birth more natural in my opinion, I call my former IM’s all the time and sometimes I forget to even ask about my surrobabes until we start talking about family. We are friends before anything else. We have strong connections and I gave my body so that they could become mothers, it is the reason I pursued Surrogacy, and I am blessed to have had such strong connections that have all continued post birth, I know this is not the norm.

6.         KEEP YOUR IM INVOLVED

I believe this is so important, I have never experienced the type of negative envy that so many Surrogate’s experience. I always try to keep my IM involved, whether its telling her I feel like crud or that her baby just kicked, I want them to feel like I believe they are their child’s mother, I always refer to my Surrobabes as “your baby” ie, “your baby has been kicking me all night!”. I have been told that this really helps my IM feel connected to the baby, and eases any cases of insecurities or fears they may have in regards to me carrying their child. I have babysat all of my surrobabes, my IM’s have no fears that I see these children as anything but THEIR children. My last IM even calls me for advise when she is having trouble with the baby, it is the best possible outcome and makes the whole experience so fulfilling for me. I did a lot of small things for my IM’s, I kept them updated daily, included them at all ultrasounds, emailed belly shots once a week, played tape recordings of their voices to my belly, kept a pregnancy diary that I gave them as a gift after the baby was born, bought the occasional small baby item and gave it to them, shared my excited about them as mothers, there is so much you can do.

7.         INVOLVE IPs IN DECISIONS

I have always thought that this is my body so I do have the right to make decisions, whether it be for termination, breastfeeding, the food I eat or dying my hair. However what makes this situation unique, is that I have donated my body for this short amount of time to nurture their baby, therefore in a sense I have given up my right to make the final decisions. I went into surrogacy knowing full well that there are medical and emotional risks, I cannot forget that fact if it happens. Granted I am not saying by any means that my IP’s should make all decisions about my body, but it is their child I am carrying, and when you have a strong connection and friendship when issues come up, and believe me they do, no amount of planning or friendship prevents issues, you care about one another and respect one another as humans, partners in parenthood, and friends. It becomes easy to discuss issues and reach compromises.

8.         HONESTY NO MATTER WHAT

I think this is the most important thing, you have to be open and honest about feelings, needs, and desires. If you have a good connection this shouldn’t be too tough, but some Surrogates find it hard to ask for things that are important to them. Do not be afraid, if you are afraid of communication you will have a sour ending, along with connection, friendship and trust comes open communication. Every situation in Surrogacy can be resolved in you openly communicate with one another.

9.         TRY NOT TO FOCUS ON THE MONEY

I have done both comp and non comp TS, I have to say my non-comp journey was much smoother. I became a Surrogate because I wanted to help create a family for people I grew to care about that could not have a child without my help. I see so many Surrogates concerned about the compensation, I have a job to pay my bills, I would rather have my IP’s save money to care for their child than to go into debt in order to pay me. Surrogacy is supposed to be such a selfless act, I believe when you make the money the most important thing you lose the selflessness and the purpose. During my non-comp journey my IP’s trusted me so much, they KNEW I had no motive for being their TS other than to help them create a family. I also found them to be more generous and willing to compromise on things because they knew I was doing it for selfless reasons. I am not saying there is anything wrong with compensated journeys, I am merely saying that if your journey is compensated I feel it’s important to not make your journey all about the money,

10.       HAVE A BIRTH PLAN

This is so important, I have had 2 hospital births and one homebirth with TS, you absolutely have to make a birth plan with your IM, copies need to be given to the hospital and your midwife or OB. Hospital staff in my opinion does not know how to navigate the Surrogacy relationship, it is helpful to guide them. Of course plans change, so you must be flexible, but an outline for a non-complicated birth is a must!

I have just been astounded by the number of negative journey’s I have heard about lately. I find that when I ask questions nine times out of ten the journeys, motivations, and relationships are so different from my own. I want to care about the people I am helping, if I have a connection and love for the family everything else can be worked out.

I can guarantee all of the failed journeys, or relationship breakdowns that I have witnessed or heard about have one of the following aspects:

No strong friendship

Compensation/desire for more money

Great match on paper but no emotional connection to one another

No willingness to compromise on issues

Unrealistic relationship expectations

I know someone out there will disagree with my methods and opinions, but as the only person I know who has had 3 out of 3 journeys end up great, I feel comfortable posting this.

Good luck to all of you!